It’s been almost a year and a half since my mom passed away. They say you’re supposed to say the persons name to help you heal. Does saying mom count? Probably not, just thinking of her name makes the tears come. A good friend of mine had her father pass away right before Christmas. He got sick just after my mom did. He had a longer fight. I don’t know if this is better or worse for him and his family. I wanted more time with my mom, I guess I always will, but seeing her in pain, seeing her go from being the strongest woman I knew to literally just skin and bones was awful. People sometimes say that they don’t want to remember people like that and it’s better to not see them in that condition. For me, I don’t remember my mom in that way. I’m glad that I was a part of the whole process. When I think of how my mom looked the last time, she actually looked at peace. She didn’t look like she was in pain anymore. I think that was important for me to see.
I didn’t talk to my dad or my siblings on Christmas. I talked to them around Christmas, but just not the day. My sister called on Christmas Eve and started talking about my mom and I just said I had to go. Matt put the ornaments that are reminders of my mom on the tree. I don’t know if he realized the significance of them. I sort of just ignored them. I didn’t want anyone to make me think of my mom. I hope at some point I can pull out all the feelings I have and figure them out. For now, it still hurts too much.
